Feeling like you have nowhere to go, I find, is a very frustrating thing.
I haven’t posted anything since May, and that’s because I forgot I have a blog.
Maybe nobody will read this, I don’t know.
Maybe somebody will read this, I don’t know.
But I guess when I remembered that I had a blog, I felt better, because I know that whether someone reads this or not, I’ll be able to feel better.
Being cheery all the time can take its toll, because when you find that you have a series of multiple bad days in a row, your smile just falters and you find yourself wondering whether you can continue being so cheerful. So ‘happy’.
That’s what happened with me. My SAT score wasn’t as good as it should be, and then after that my days just began to fall apart.
My mom started saying weird things.
My grades began dropping.
I began to push my friends away (though I’m sure they didn’t notice)
I felt like I was letting everyone down.
I felt like everyone was becoming disappointed in me.
I felt like everything was just piling up on top of me.
This is going to sound childish, but the main turning point was because of my crush.
He is….an antisocial bastard.
When you text him or message him, he won’t reply.
When you call him he won’t pick up.
And in his own words, he is ‘too shy to deal with girls right now’.
And I’m just wondering, does he not know the concept of the world ‘friends’?
I’m fine with being friends. I just want to get to know him better.
But he left me here, feeling like an idiot.
and I feel even more stupid, because I seem to have crushes on only antisocial people.
I’ve had one on a guy for two years…
More like, I watched him become antisocial.
He was my best friend, and we slowly grew apart until I couldn’t bear to talk with him anymore. (see first drawing post)
Now we’re okay, because he’s getting better, but I still can’t help but want the old him back.
I’ve talked to one of my best friends about this (see second drawing post).
She’s comforted me, and told me I’d be alright.
And she was right.
I feel so much better now that I’m wondering why I was so sad back then.
I listened to sad songs and did sad things that made my cry.
But now I’ve regained my smile and my dignity, so I’ll keep going on.
I think the only reason why this short term depression is bothering me so much is because I haven’t felt like this in 2 years.
I’ve been so happy I forgot what prolonged sadness was.
Seems like a happy dilemma, eh?
Here are a few short-term goals for me to focus on for a while.
1. Do well on the SAT December 1st test
2. Raise grades and catch up on homework.
3. Successfully manage to get said crush to talk to me
4. Post this, stop procrastinating, and do my homework.
So please, nonexistent or anonymous readers.
Cheer for me 🙂